Blue as far as the eye can see, vast waters — gallons, tons! Ever evolving, ever passing, malleable, fitting — energy, power, essential. Water is so lovely and I’m a Pisces.
We love us some wifi! They play old American songs here at the cafe on the beach. The waters are too blue. The children and mothers are all nude. In a primal, enchanting way. Little butt cheeks and large swollen breasts that we are taught to shun, to hide, to cover.
Dogs shit on the streets here. People look up from the cement. Their eyes meet you, “Hola, hola! Que tal?”
We look like ants on a stone from afar but up close we’re conquering boulders like crabs suspended in the sky. Yesterday Vlad had me climbing rocks as we dangled over the ocean. I am terrified of heights and the sensation of falling both, yet there I was, almost in tears and successful. He pushes me into all the directions I had dared not go. For this I am grateful. My skin turns with the sun a golden red, my arm hairs now white and visible on my browning flesh. Today I showered at a beach rinsing station. Me comí una hamburguesa con queso, huevo, lechuga y cebolla. Quiero un ICECREAM and a nice smoke.
later
I’m very upset with myself for not being able to control my affectedness better. I am not (should not) be upset with something or someone one but myself for allowing these actions to affect me or dampen my mood or demeanor with train of thought. How weak a mind. How strong a mind to be able to let things go — to separate and free yourself. It’s a power above all. One often overlooked.
My “Note From The Universe” (http://www.tut.com/Inspiration/nftu) today said: “Arguing and anger never work. Understanding and loving always do. And the work at hand, is your own happiness.” When they speak loud, they speak the loudest.
So I ask myself: What is worth an unhappy moment? A self-made misery? Are you trying to remember something? How will you allow for a turn of events if you’re not open to them?
Why must you close down, shut off? What are you trying to prove? Trying to please? Just be.
Today we leave La Mora — What a beautiful adventure. Just the mountains, the ocean, the stars and each other. I’ve learned much in these three days. My pack is becoming part of me. I’ve left a good amount of clothes and bullshit at Isabel’s. I’m lucky for her storage. It’s true about having too much stuff but none-the-less, now with this storage, I can interchange things as my flight departs from Barcelona in September and it serves as my homebase.
Vlad wants me to stay – to change my flight and find work here. He’s such a sweetheart, a romantic. I’ve forgotten what that’s like. So generous in every way he can, and yet … I’m stunted from giving in. Why?
- Because it’s unfamiliar
- we have differing perspectives on travel
- past manipulations/advantages
- I’m out of control
- ???
All shameful reasons. Perhaps it’s just the physicality of it. The lack of attention to detail and a sense of expectation. No — what I’m asking for is recognition – but why? My ego insists, regardless of my heart. He would and does anything he can. He’s got me this far. Given me all of this opportunity. Without him I’d have a lovely, quiet, conventional experience. Why think twice? Recognition! Recognition! YOU’RE STAGNATING IN EGO! … it’s gross, shameful, embarrassing. I hope to get a grip on this.
GIVE IN! LET GO! Everything is always good enough! Everything is always perfect!
thekarmabumz 